# 3 - THE OUT LOUD CRY

He's transferred in from operation theatre,

breathing through machine with much effort.

I saw his tears,

I saw his unwillingness to be intubated( breathe on machine),

but I was too busy with other patients.

After 2 hours,

his ECG reading showed asystole (a straight line),

I see no nurses going into his room,

I was wondering whether he's deceased as I was away from ICU and going up and down.

I was right, he's left without my knowledge,

he left without anyone around him,

he's not able to express to anyone that how suffering he was.

The family came very late,

a large crowd of them,

crying so loudly till the room beside also can hear very clearly.

They were asking about the death cause,

they seemed to be very unsatisfied with doctors.

They had delayed so much of time.

I pitied the old patient when I was cleaning his cold and stiff body,

he didn't know how much tears his child has shed for him after his death,

but one fact that is, no one was there with him when he left.

The presence of loved one,

maybe just one person mean so much of difference to a sick one,

so as to a person who is going to leave this world.

If I were one of the family members, I might cry as well,

but it's out of sadness due to loss of a loved one.

Cherishing person next to us seem to be neglected nowadays,

we take each person's existence for granted,

and one day when he or she has left,

then we felt regretted for not talking, not forgiving, not loving enough.

Patients who have no relationship with me,

yet I could do so much for them out of love.

However it's so difficult for me to love some of them around me sometimes.

This patient's family reflected some important message to me,

love as much as I can,

I'm still learning day by day,

as we will never when will our loved one leave.

It sounded negative,

but it's a good lesson to be pondered on...

# 2 - THE PROMISE WITH THE OLD MAN

As those who know me, I was kinda emo person, not very positive, but in nursing, I have to, and it helps me to become a more positive person through other people.

A deeper talk with the old man who was so aggressive that day,

Old man:" I don't want to suffer anymore, to me, if there's pain, it's suffering. I don't want to live, i want to die, every when I close my eyes, I will tell GOD that,' GOD please bring me to another place without pain, I'm ready to go, please bring me, Amen!' "

Nurse M:" No uncle, you can't think like that, GOD has His purpose and timing, you cannot pray like that."

Son:'' You think that to close your eyes is so easy?"

Me:" Uncle, please be positive, be strong and trust GOD, go for dialysis, and you will get to spend more time with your grandchildren, and enjoy yourself."

Old man:" No No, that's not the happiness that I want, I don't want it, I... I want to die! In fact, I want to commit suicide, I have 2 poisonous pills, I want to take it and go."

Nurse M:" Uncle, please don't be like that, see, auntie was so sad and angry with you just now."

Old man:" I don't care, let her be, she will enjoy herself, I will enjoy myself. "

Nurse M:" Uncle, do you still want to see your grandchildren growing up, getting married?"

Old man:" I love my grandchildren, they are very good in studies, I always give them money when I see them. They are very good la..."

Me:'' Then you have to quickly get well, and enjoy your time with them, I'm sure they will be sad if you leave them, so as your wife and your children. Do you want to make them sad?"

Old man:" Hmm... Hmm.... ( He looked a bit moved, quiet down after the argument just now.)"

Nurse M:" Uncle, do you want to see me and Jasmine to get married? "

Old man:" Ya, of course, if you invite me, I will definitely come, and don't worry I will give each of you a RM 1000 angpao!! Hahaha!"

Me:" Wow! That's very good of you, so you must promise us to follow what your son has planned for you, go for treatment and dialysis, and then be positive and strong. Can you do that?"

Old man:" Haiya...."

Nurse M:" Come, cross little finger with us!"

So we crossed our finger with his, and made a promise. Yes!!! Mutual agreement was done!

After half an hour, his son came back and asked us how's his decision. He was a bit surprised to see my big thumb raising up.

Son:" Pa, so what's your decision?"

Old man:" I... I consider first la, when I see the doctor, I will let him know la."

Me:" Hey uncle, you've promised not to hurt your children anymore, since they love you so much, willing to pay as much as they can just to make you recover, and now you don't change your words ya..."

Nurse M:" Yup, uncle, you said that you are going to tell your son what you've promised us, and you will get well soon and attend our wedding, tell your son now, faster! Don't make him disappointed."

Old man:" Ok la, Son, I love you, and I didn't mean to hurt you. Where is your mother? How's she?"

Son:" She's sitting at the lobby downstairs."

Old man:" No choice la, I have made lots of promise with these 2 girls. They have been encouraging me."

Son:" Of course, they are concerned about your well-being, if they are not caring, they will not talk to you. So you please go for treatment."

The son is a very soft-spoken man, according to the old man, all his children are successful in the marketplace with PhD. I solute him for his patience towards his dad, and his love for his father, of course the other children are also paying to support the medical fees.

Just before we transfer the old man out from ICU to the normal wards, we had a short talk.

Old man:" 2 of you later don't run away ya, I've asked my son to prepare 2 big angpao for you, must take, don't push back, just take it quietly."

Nurse M and Me:" No uncle, we cannot take your money, you keep it for yourself."

Old man:" I have too much, cannot finish also. Nobody knows that I have 3 socks at the lowest drawer, I keep all my money inside, nobody knows. I can't finish my money, I must give 2 of you, I will give those who are good and nice to me. 2 of you just now helped me to change pampers and wiped my buttocks, I must give you."

Me:" No uncle, that's our job, we will do the same to other patients."

Nurse M:" Ya, correct, please uncle, just keep for yourself."

Old man:" You just take it later, don't make aunty unhappy. Just take it and keep quiet la."

As he's talking, we pushed him out from ICU.

Old man:" I don't want to go to other ward can? I want to stay here, I love this place, quiet, and the nurses here are good and gentle."

Nurse M:" Cannot la uncle, ICU is for close monitoring, now you are better and well, so you can go to the normal ward."

Old man:" I'm not well yet, push me back la. Who made the decision? My son? Call my son now, I want to scold him, why he made decision without asking me???"

Me:" Uncle, relax la, in the ward your wife can be with you the whole day, no time limits, and your grandchildren can go and visit you. You are happy and well now, don't worry, we'll pay you a visit tomorrow, ok?"

Old man:" Hmm, make sure you come, I will give you angpao."

nurse M:" Haiyo, uncle..."

Sent the old man to the ward and settled him on the bed there. His son and wife has gone for lunch, he's alone there quietly, looked calm but a bit upset.

I felt the same too Uncle, after 3 days taking care of him and talking to him just now, gradually treated him as part of my family, wanting him to cooperate an get well soon.

Working is so tiring, but the joy and the relationship that I've gained with patients is so precious to me. I thank GOD that I'm able to get in touch with people every day so closely, and I'm able to touch lives with my doings. No matter how dirty, and smelly it is, I always tell myself that , "Jasmine, do it as though you are doing for GOD." Thank GOD that I've overcome it.

Uncle, please stay well and healthy, your children and filial and loving, I must learn to be like them to my own parents. As for my wedding, Uncle is my VVIP, so please take good care of yourself. GOD bless him.

# 1- THE OLD MAN'S PUNCH

"....... 74 years old, admitted from ED, patient is transferred from XXX Hospital, feeling of nauseated, weakness over the lower limbs, diagnosis : chronic renal failure with fluid overload, diabetes, hypertension, transferred to ICU....."

My first day in ICU (Intensive Care Unit), still not very sure with the unit's settings and work flow, so I stood at the side, observing what were the staffs doing.

I was asked by the staff to take patient's history by interviewing him some questions as a routine, found that he has an amputated leg, using prosthesis. So I was telling myself," he must be going through a lot of trauma due to surgery... I gotta be more gentle and tactful."

A stout big size Dr came in as he's referred by the primary Dr to insert a line through the old man's artery for procedure purposes. The old man was super anxious, and started to scream...

Old man:" What are you going to do? Who said that you can touch me?"

Dr:" I'm here to insert a line on your right hand so that you won't suffered from so many pricks each day just to take blood sample or other procedure."

Old man:" No No No!!!! I don't need, I don't want!"

(Dr still continue preparing for the insertion with the help of Nurse H. As Dr was inserting the needle...)

Old man:" Hey, I told you NOT to do it!!! What are you trying to do! Hey, it's painful!!! Hey!!!"

(The old man started to be very aggressive and raised his right hand and wanted to punch nurse H, but was pulled back by me, with some force, I pressed his hand down on the bed. Now, his eyes were staring at me, shouted...)

Old man:'' Let go of me, how dare you hold me so tightly??? Let GO!!!!"

( Suddenly I realised that he has an AV fistula [ Arteriovenous fistula: some adjustment to the flow of vessels for dialysis purpose], and I released some energy as I didn't want to alter the function of the fistula.)

Old man: " Hey, it's painful, you!!!"

(This time, the old man managed to remove his hand from my grip and raised his small little fist and wanted to punch Dr.

It's a close shave, I grabbed him back again, and Dr has finished the procedure)

Dr:" I tell you, this is hospital, you are supposed to follow what we've asked you to do, next time, don't every do this again, you are not the only one who can get angry. I'm telling you this."

(The old man struggled again and raised his little punch over to the Dr's dark, bulldog face.... How daring he was...)

Dr:" I said STOP THAT!!!!! You STOP IT!!!!! DON'T THINK THAT YOU ONLY CAN USE YOUR FIST TO PUNCH, I ALSO KNOW HOW TO PUNCH! YOU BETTER BEHAVE AND COOPERATE!! STOP THAT!!!!!" (Shouting in a very high volume, with his hoarse voice.)

I was looking into the old man's eyes, it's full of resentment, and wronged. Tears was controlled by him very well since its' his ego, and for most of the man's ego I think. I felt bad towards him, though I was nearly punched by him, but just at the moment when he was scolded so badly in front of everybody, and the whole unit was silent out of that, I felt so sorry to him. A man full with diseases, admitted and hoping to get the holistic and ultimate best care, maybe it will not cure him, but at least, he's comforted. Getting scoldings with uncomfortable disease conditions made me ponder again, what's the purpose of medical staffs. To get all our work done so that we can explain to our superior, or to meet patient's need, not only physically, but mentally?

An empathy towards patient's feelings, and understand why he is having such aggressive attitude shall help us in carrying out health care.

Of course, family love and care will actually reduce the stress level of a patient during admission.

You may use that one one minute to earn 1 Billion dollar,

but there's not 1 billion dollar which can buy a single smile from your parents,

cherish them, my friends.

INTRODUCTION

Always thought to be angelic, holy and pure with white uniforms,

but the real life is not as what people has thought of.

Meeting new lives and death at the age of 19, to me, it's not easy.

I used to be quite emotional, and sometimes I do wonder,

why did I choose nursing in the first place.

Yet, as time goes by,

GOD has His own answer for me though every single life that I've met.

Sharing with you the life stories that I've experienced,

and slowly you will find that how great is it to be alive and healthy.

I hope that through the stories, one of you will be touched and has some new reflection towards our lives today!

Thanks for reading and supporting,

GOD bless you! =)