The writer's story

" You should wake up and clean yourself especially your private part, or else you will feel itchy, it's gonna be very uncomfortable."

" Come I lend you my May soap, it's very good and soothing, but make sure that you clean it nicely before you return it back to me."

" Do you have coffee, I need some coffee, can you give me, I promise my mummy will pay you when she comes... please?"

After talking to her friends around the ward, she went back and knelt down at her bedside, hands over her Bible and cried to GOD," GOD I can't marry with Peter as he didn't protect me when my parents abused me, oh LORD, though I love him so much, but I just can't accept the truth that he actually neglected me!!!"

The next minute, she stood up and wandered around again, minding others' business, and looking for food....

Her name is Mimi, tall lady with curly hair, good hygiene, seemed to be very normal to me outwardly. After reading her records, I get to know that she is having Bipolar disorder, which is a kind of psychotic disease with both mania and depression at different time.

As I spent my time with her talking, eating, playing games and exercising, I gradually learn about her stories. She said she's a writer, in fact, her English is pretty good, she reads a lot, and she is quite knowledgeable. Growing in a broken family background causes her to have different perspectives to life. She was reluctant to share more about her past, it made her cry as what she told me.

She reads Bible everyday, drawing lines and put up highlights to important verses which she thought that's gonna help her, which I sometimes fail to do at home. As a result, it made me reflect on myself, she is a psychiatric patient, how come she is having such faith? GOD is there...

Mimi is always helpful to her friends, and will give whatever she has to her friends if being asked to do so. As a psychiatric patient, they don't get much things with them, yet she still can give with what she has freely. It struck me and made me wonder ," Have I ever given anybody things so freely?"

Despite of her disease, she still live as normal as she can, though she appeared to be kinda abnormal once in a while, but she is a person with integrity, and can reason well in certain situation. She is always smiling and is very confident with herself.

Till today I still don't understand how did she end up in the psychiatric ward, she may be a successful person out there if she is not ill. I used to ask myself why they end up here, stress? Broken relationship?

Regardless of out problems, as what Mimi told me, live well and smile like a sunflower always...

She made me stronger when life seems to be too hard to bear ~

Thanks Mimi, and may GOD heal her!

Psycho-ing for a week

Well, sorry to tell that this place has been left out for quite some time, since I've not been going to the wards you see. However, now I'm gladly to announce that I'm back again, and this time I have lots of stories to tell during my posting to Psychiatric ward!!! Each stories mean a lot to me, as it touched my heart, and it made me ponder of how precious our life is.... Please be patient and for the stories to come =)

By the way, as I've mentioned in the title, I've been kinda psycho after the posting, acting and talking like one of them sometimes. According to my tutor, each of us has 2-3 psychotic symptoms, that's normal. In fact, I find myself being a successful student nurse during the posting as I'm just part of the patients, I be with them, talk like them, think like them( sometimes).... huhu!! Amazing~ Better be careful... =p

# 5- WITH YOUR LOVE I STAND

A 79 years old lady admitted with elbow and leg fracture, she was completely immobile on bed. Her daily activities have to be assisted by nurses, and the world today is selfish. Whenever it's time to change pampers, or give bedpan for patient to pass motion, sure all my friends will go MIA (Missing In Action), don't know where on earth are they doing. I can't wait for them, and make my patients suffer, so I do it on my own.

This lady Mdm G, was very grateful whenever I offered her bedpan to do her business, and clean her pampers. There's always "Thank You" before I left, that's enough for me =)

Again, have lots of chatting with her when I feed her, she's very alert and knowledgeable, despite of her old age. She doesn't look old, but of course, our body cells slowly go down as we aged. Doctor told her that she has osteoporosis, no guarantee that she'll be fully recovered after surgery. In fact, there's no 100% successful operation for all people. So, she's going to try for natural healing without operation. For this, I solute her, such a brave lady, it's not easy to go without any surgical corrections for bone cases especially.

Mdm G: "Life still have to go on despite of the mishap. I've been facing so much throughout the years. "

Me:" Anything you want to share?"

Mdm G:" Well, I don't get married because I see too many people around me with their unsuccessful marriage."

Me:" I see... What makes you think that way? It's not necessarily that yours will be the same=)"

Mdm G:" Well, in fact I just feel that it comes back to the same after married. Many young people nowadays just fail to take care of their parents once they've grown up. So many of my friends are now being treated as a maid at home, taking care of their grandchildren. I have a friend saying that when her son is bringing his family out for dinner, he will just leave the old ones at home, coming back home empty handed. So you tell me, what's the point of having children and bringing them up so hard?"

Me:" I totally agreed with you. It's always easy to say that, 'Yeah, I'm going to repay my parents back, and will promise to take good care of them.' Actions speak louder than words, I learn how to be filial to my parents through my job in the hospital actually. I saw lonely patients who were threw to the hospital and left ignored, I cleaned patients in front of their grown up children who were complaining that it's dirty and smelly, and down in my heart I despite all these successful businessman. "

Mdn G:" True enough. That's the world today."

Me:" And you know what I've learnt from all these people? I told myself that I will never become like them. Last time, I used to be very particular with dirts, smells; but today, cleaning all these are part of my job, I have to do it to make people comfortable and happy. So, I do it. Likewise, parents do all these for their children without complaining, but after that, their children just don't have the intention to do it for them simply telling that it's too dirty and unbearable."

Mdm G:" That's why I don't get married. BUt I've got very good nephews, they treat as their own mum. They try to give me the best. "

Me;" So glad to know that, hope that you will recover soon with the natural healing. It's not easy, and it takes time. "

Mdm G:" With your love and care, I should be able to stand up and walk again."

Me:" Why me? Let it be your nephews or your family my dear =)"

Mdm G:" Nope, with YOUR love and care, I will stand up. You've been very sincere in every single thing that you've done for me these few days. I just don't know how to thank you, I have nothing to give you back. However, I'm telling you that, you will be a great staff nurse in future, please bare in mind, you will be a GREAT staff nurse, and with your love, I will stand!"

Me:" Thanks for your compliment, it touched me. In fact, that's my duty, take care, I gotta off duty."

I've never expect that my daily small deeds may encourage a person to have courage to move on and even stand strong despite of the pain and disabilities. May GOD continue to bless my patients, and make me a good vessels to help and heal as GOD's will.

# 4 - Porridge

As I was passing by Room 3,

busy doing my close monitoring chart,

I heard a voice calling me.

Old granny: "Hey, missy! Come and feed me now!"

A 88-year-old lady, shouting so loudly out form her room,

it's time to feed her,

as what she's told me yesterday that her maid will feed her at 6pm everyday.

I pitied her as her hands were tied at the bedside,

just to prevent her from removing all the tubings and monitoring instruments on her.

She seemed to be more restless after being tied up.

That's the part which I can't stand the most,

yet we still have to do it.

We need the close monitoring system,

we want the patients to get well soon and leave ICU as soon as possible.

And that's the only way to control her from pulling the tubings off.

She has been talking to the ceiling and the walls after being tied up,

even as I was preparing her porridge,

she was repeating herself to me,

Old granny: "remove all the strings now, I want to eat."

Me:" I will feed you."

Old granny:" If you don't release me, how am I supposed to eat?"

Me:" I will feed you, don't worry."

Old granny:" You are so long-winded, I said release me, can't you understand Mandarin?"

Me:" I will feed you, you don't pull your tubings, then I will ask Dr to remove the strings ok?"

Old granny:" Haiya, I said release me now, I want to go out."

Started to feed her so as to keep her silent.

She was too hungry after struggling for quite some time to remove the knots.

Old granny:" Have you eaten?"

Me:" Nope, I still have work to do, after feeding you, I have to feed others."

Old granny:"No more porridge in the kitchen?"

Me:" The kitchen cooked for you so make sure that you finish it ok?"

Old granny:" Why you let me finish the whole bowl of porridge? Normally I asked the maid to cook more so that you can eat also."

I was a bit touched at the moment,

though she's fierce when she's scolding me off,

just to be released.

She must have thought that she's at home,

and was complaining why the maid didn't keep some porridge for me.

As I work at the patients' side,

I learn how to really care of them wholeheartedly,

no matter how hard, how tired I am.

It just gave me the satisfaction and pleasure to move on.

Old granny:: Alright, I've finished eating, let me go."

Me:" Where do you want to go? Wait for your sons, they should be coming in a short while."

Old granny:" I said let me go la, you are so stubborn!!!"

There she came again, with all sorts of nonsense, trying to climb out of the bed again.

Me:" Please rest in the bed, and I will ask Dr to release you ok?"

Old granny:" I want to go now!"

Me:" Where do you want to go?"

Old granny:" I want to go and die!!!!!!"

Me:'' NO, YOU CAN'T!"

Old granny:" I'm older than you, so listen to me! Let me go!"

I left her room, there's no point arguing with her,

after all she's tied up.,

that will be the safest way to keep her alive.

However it also showed that,

how important our freedom is,

a person will go nuts if there's too much of control.

But our control towards old granny was of good intention,

sorry granny...

# 3 - THE OUT LOUD CRY

He's transferred in from operation theatre,

breathing through machine with much effort.

I saw his tears,

I saw his unwillingness to be intubated( breathe on machine),

but I was too busy with other patients.

After 2 hours,

his ECG reading showed asystole (a straight line),

I see no nurses going into his room,

I was wondering whether he's deceased as I was away from ICU and going up and down.

I was right, he's left without my knowledge,

he left without anyone around him,

he's not able to express to anyone that how suffering he was.

The family came very late,

a large crowd of them,

crying so loudly till the room beside also can hear very clearly.

They were asking about the death cause,

they seemed to be very unsatisfied with doctors.

They had delayed so much of time.

I pitied the old patient when I was cleaning his cold and stiff body,

he didn't know how much tears his child has shed for him after his death,

but one fact that is, no one was there with him when he left.

The presence of loved one,

maybe just one person mean so much of difference to a sick one,

so as to a person who is going to leave this world.

If I were one of the family members, I might cry as well,

but it's out of sadness due to loss of a loved one.

Cherishing person next to us seem to be neglected nowadays,

we take each person's existence for granted,

and one day when he or she has left,

then we felt regretted for not talking, not forgiving, not loving enough.

Patients who have no relationship with me,

yet I could do so much for them out of love.

However it's so difficult for me to love some of them around me sometimes.

This patient's family reflected some important message to me,

love as much as I can,

I'm still learning day by day,

as we will never when will our loved one leave.

It sounded negative,

but it's a good lesson to be pondered on...

# 2 - THE PROMISE WITH THE OLD MAN

As those who know me, I was kinda emo person, not very positive, but in nursing, I have to, and it helps me to become a more positive person through other people.

A deeper talk with the old man who was so aggressive that day,

Old man:" I don't want to suffer anymore, to me, if there's pain, it's suffering. I don't want to live, i want to die, every when I close my eyes, I will tell GOD that,' GOD please bring me to another place without pain, I'm ready to go, please bring me, Amen!' "

Nurse M:" No uncle, you can't think like that, GOD has His purpose and timing, you cannot pray like that."

Son:'' You think that to close your eyes is so easy?"

Me:" Uncle, please be positive, be strong and trust GOD, go for dialysis, and you will get to spend more time with your grandchildren, and enjoy yourself."

Old man:" No No, that's not the happiness that I want, I don't want it, I... I want to die! In fact, I want to commit suicide, I have 2 poisonous pills, I want to take it and go."

Nurse M:" Uncle, please don't be like that, see, auntie was so sad and angry with you just now."

Old man:" I don't care, let her be, she will enjoy herself, I will enjoy myself. "

Nurse M:" Uncle, do you still want to see your grandchildren growing up, getting married?"

Old man:" I love my grandchildren, they are very good in studies, I always give them money when I see them. They are very good la..."

Me:'' Then you have to quickly get well, and enjoy your time with them, I'm sure they will be sad if you leave them, so as your wife and your children. Do you want to make them sad?"

Old man:" Hmm... Hmm.... ( He looked a bit moved, quiet down after the argument just now.)"

Nurse M:" Uncle, do you want to see me and Jasmine to get married? "

Old man:" Ya, of course, if you invite me, I will definitely come, and don't worry I will give each of you a RM 1000 angpao!! Hahaha!"

Me:" Wow! That's very good of you, so you must promise us to follow what your son has planned for you, go for treatment and dialysis, and then be positive and strong. Can you do that?"

Old man:" Haiya...."

Nurse M:" Come, cross little finger with us!"

So we crossed our finger with his, and made a promise. Yes!!! Mutual agreement was done!

After half an hour, his son came back and asked us how's his decision. He was a bit surprised to see my big thumb raising up.

Son:" Pa, so what's your decision?"

Old man:" I... I consider first la, when I see the doctor, I will let him know la."

Me:" Hey uncle, you've promised not to hurt your children anymore, since they love you so much, willing to pay as much as they can just to make you recover, and now you don't change your words ya..."

Nurse M:" Yup, uncle, you said that you are going to tell your son what you've promised us, and you will get well soon and attend our wedding, tell your son now, faster! Don't make him disappointed."

Old man:" Ok la, Son, I love you, and I didn't mean to hurt you. Where is your mother? How's she?"

Son:" She's sitting at the lobby downstairs."

Old man:" No choice la, I have made lots of promise with these 2 girls. They have been encouraging me."

Son:" Of course, they are concerned about your well-being, if they are not caring, they will not talk to you. So you please go for treatment."

The son is a very soft-spoken man, according to the old man, all his children are successful in the marketplace with PhD. I solute him for his patience towards his dad, and his love for his father, of course the other children are also paying to support the medical fees.

Just before we transfer the old man out from ICU to the normal wards, we had a short talk.

Old man:" 2 of you later don't run away ya, I've asked my son to prepare 2 big angpao for you, must take, don't push back, just take it quietly."

Nurse M and Me:" No uncle, we cannot take your money, you keep it for yourself."

Old man:" I have too much, cannot finish also. Nobody knows that I have 3 socks at the lowest drawer, I keep all my money inside, nobody knows. I can't finish my money, I must give 2 of you, I will give those who are good and nice to me. 2 of you just now helped me to change pampers and wiped my buttocks, I must give you."

Me:" No uncle, that's our job, we will do the same to other patients."

Nurse M:" Ya, correct, please uncle, just keep for yourself."

Old man:" You just take it later, don't make aunty unhappy. Just take it and keep quiet la."

As he's talking, we pushed him out from ICU.

Old man:" I don't want to go to other ward can? I want to stay here, I love this place, quiet, and the nurses here are good and gentle."

Nurse M:" Cannot la uncle, ICU is for close monitoring, now you are better and well, so you can go to the normal ward."

Old man:" I'm not well yet, push me back la. Who made the decision? My son? Call my son now, I want to scold him, why he made decision without asking me???"

Me:" Uncle, relax la, in the ward your wife can be with you the whole day, no time limits, and your grandchildren can go and visit you. You are happy and well now, don't worry, we'll pay you a visit tomorrow, ok?"

Old man:" Hmm, make sure you come, I will give you angpao."

nurse M:" Haiyo, uncle..."

Sent the old man to the ward and settled him on the bed there. His son and wife has gone for lunch, he's alone there quietly, looked calm but a bit upset.

I felt the same too Uncle, after 3 days taking care of him and talking to him just now, gradually treated him as part of my family, wanting him to cooperate an get well soon.

Working is so tiring, but the joy and the relationship that I've gained with patients is so precious to me. I thank GOD that I'm able to get in touch with people every day so closely, and I'm able to touch lives with my doings. No matter how dirty, and smelly it is, I always tell myself that , "Jasmine, do it as though you are doing for GOD." Thank GOD that I've overcome it.

Uncle, please stay well and healthy, your children and filial and loving, I must learn to be like them to my own parents. As for my wedding, Uncle is my VVIP, so please take good care of yourself. GOD bless him.

# 1- THE OLD MAN'S PUNCH

"....... 74 years old, admitted from ED, patient is transferred from XXX Hospital, feeling of nauseated, weakness over the lower limbs, diagnosis : chronic renal failure with fluid overload, diabetes, hypertension, transferred to ICU....."

My first day in ICU (Intensive Care Unit), still not very sure with the unit's settings and work flow, so I stood at the side, observing what were the staffs doing.

I was asked by the staff to take patient's history by interviewing him some questions as a routine, found that he has an amputated leg, using prosthesis. So I was telling myself," he must be going through a lot of trauma due to surgery... I gotta be more gentle and tactful."

A stout big size Dr came in as he's referred by the primary Dr to insert a line through the old man's artery for procedure purposes. The old man was super anxious, and started to scream...

Old man:" What are you going to do? Who said that you can touch me?"

Dr:" I'm here to insert a line on your right hand so that you won't suffered from so many pricks each day just to take blood sample or other procedure."

Old man:" No No No!!!! I don't need, I don't want!"

(Dr still continue preparing for the insertion with the help of Nurse H. As Dr was inserting the needle...)

Old man:" Hey, I told you NOT to do it!!! What are you trying to do! Hey, it's painful!!! Hey!!!"

(The old man started to be very aggressive and raised his right hand and wanted to punch nurse H, but was pulled back by me, with some force, I pressed his hand down on the bed. Now, his eyes were staring at me, shouted...)

Old man:'' Let go of me, how dare you hold me so tightly??? Let GO!!!!"

( Suddenly I realised that he has an AV fistula [ Arteriovenous fistula: some adjustment to the flow of vessels for dialysis purpose], and I released some energy as I didn't want to alter the function of the fistula.)

Old man: " Hey, it's painful, you!!!"

(This time, the old man managed to remove his hand from my grip and raised his small little fist and wanted to punch Dr.

It's a close shave, I grabbed him back again, and Dr has finished the procedure)

Dr:" I tell you, this is hospital, you are supposed to follow what we've asked you to do, next time, don't every do this again, you are not the only one who can get angry. I'm telling you this."

(The old man struggled again and raised his little punch over to the Dr's dark, bulldog face.... How daring he was...)

Dr:" I said STOP THAT!!!!! You STOP IT!!!!! DON'T THINK THAT YOU ONLY CAN USE YOUR FIST TO PUNCH, I ALSO KNOW HOW TO PUNCH! YOU BETTER BEHAVE AND COOPERATE!! STOP THAT!!!!!" (Shouting in a very high volume, with his hoarse voice.)

I was looking into the old man's eyes, it's full of resentment, and wronged. Tears was controlled by him very well since its' his ego, and for most of the man's ego I think. I felt bad towards him, though I was nearly punched by him, but just at the moment when he was scolded so badly in front of everybody, and the whole unit was silent out of that, I felt so sorry to him. A man full with diseases, admitted and hoping to get the holistic and ultimate best care, maybe it will not cure him, but at least, he's comforted. Getting scoldings with uncomfortable disease conditions made me ponder again, what's the purpose of medical staffs. To get all our work done so that we can explain to our superior, or to meet patient's need, not only physically, but mentally?

An empathy towards patient's feelings, and understand why he is having such aggressive attitude shall help us in carrying out health care.

Of course, family love and care will actually reduce the stress level of a patient during admission.

You may use that one one minute to earn 1 Billion dollar,

but there's not 1 billion dollar which can buy a single smile from your parents,

cherish them, my friends.